Archive for Motivate yourself

How Can You Learn To Be More Charismatic?

{ April 19, 2014 @ 4:23 pm } · { Motivate yourself }
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Over at the excellent BPS Research Digest there’s a great review of research on charisma.
Is it something that can be learned? Yes:
Managers who underwent training saw their charisma ratings significantly grow, relative to those who didn’t.
What are the techniques that make someone more charismatic?

-framing through metaphor
-stories and anecdotes
-demonstrating moral conviction
-sharing the sentiments of the collective
-setting high expectations
-communicating confidence
-using rhetorical devices such as contrasts, lists, and rhetorical questions together with non-verbal tactics such as body gesture, facial expression, and animated voice tone.

But be careful; as always with something as subtle as charisma, training and practice are important in order to achieve proper execution:

The authors emphasise there are no quick fixes – the training involved a real commitment of time – and that inexperienced overuse of CLTs can lead to self-parody, with pantomime hand gesture and excruciating metaphor. But as the study demonstrates, charisma is at least partly the result of adopting tactics that are transferable and learnable.

How You Can Be a Better Storyteller

{ April 19, 2014 @ 4:18 pm } · { Motivate yourself }
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Interview – UCLA Film School professor Howard Suber explains how you can be a better storyteller.

Howard Suber is one of my mentors. He founded the graduate program I was in at UCLA and has taught literally thousands of students about the power of film and narrative structure.
From his bio at UCLA:
During his 40 years on the UCLA faculty, Howard Suber helped establish and also chaired the UCLA Film Archive, the Critical Studies and Ph.D. Programs, and the UCLA Producers Program. He is a former Associate Dean, recipient of UCLA’s Distinguished Teaching Award, and has been a consultant and expert witness to all the major film studios on copyright and creative control issues. He continues to teach Film Structure and Strategic Thinking.
He is the author of The Power of Film and Letters to Young Filmmakers: Creativity and Getting Your Films Made.
I spoke to him about how to be a better storyteller and how we can use narrative to improve our lives.
The full interview was over two hours long, so for brevity’s sake I’m only going to post heavily edited highlights here.

What Do All Great Stories Have In Common?
Howard:
The word “but.” Which is to say inexperienced or poor storytellers structure their material with the words “and” or “then.” So “They did this, and then they did that, and then they did this, and then they did that,” which produces an episodic structure that doesn’t build on anything, and there’s no relationship between what came before and what came after.

How To Be A Better Storyteller
Eric:
What is something quick and easy that people can keep in mind to be better storytellers?
Howard:
“Things are not what they seem.” It’s that to get people to sit on the edge of their chair or to get them involved in your story, the audience has to constantly discover something new.
One of the constants in great stories is that things are never what they seem, because if things are what they seem, why would you read it, watch it, or listen to it?
So, in “Apocalypse Now,” “The Godfather,” “Casablanca,” — you just run off the names of the memorable films — any statement you make about the central character has to be followed by the word “but.” So Michael Corleone is a cold-blooded murderer, but he does it for his family. Rick Blaine sticks his neck out for nobody, as he tells you three times, but then he does, and sacrifices the only thing he’s ever really loved for the cause.
Without the surprise, without the twist, if you don’t pull the wool over the audience’s eyes, then it’s unlikely you’re going to be memorable. It’s precisely the fact that things are not what they seem that makes a story interesting.

The Two Kinds of Heroes
Howard:
In movies we have two kinds of heroes. One is the costume hero. Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, etc. Their character is literally defined by the costume, which from a commercial standpoint is useful because we have instant recognizability, and it also means any actor can play this character. I put James Bond in there, even though he’s not literally wearing a costume. His costume is driving fancy cars and being impeccably dressed in formal wear.
But in any case, the costume hero is a professional hero. What do they do with their lives on a day-to-day basis? Well, they rescue people.
But the most interesting heroes, for boys over a certain age, that is, not for 14-year-old boys, the most interesting hero is somebody who is driving home and hears a cry from a female voice that yells, ‘Help, help, my child is trapped inside,’ and they look to their left and discover there’s a burning building, and they jump out of the car and they go in and rescue the child.
And when they’re interviewed by the paper the next morning, and somebody calls them a hero, they deny they’re a hero. And what do they say? “I did what anybody would do.” So they’re characters who perform a heroic act. Again, I go back to Rick Blaine, who keeps saying, “I stick my neck out for nobody.” He’s not a hero until he does. I mean, he’s not a memorable hero until he sends the only person he’s ever loved off to be with another man. Then he’s a hero. But when he goes to Brazzaville with Claude Rains, he is not going to continue to perform heroic acts.
What I call ‘costume heroes’ or ‘professional heroes’ don’t tell us anything useful about how we ought to live, because we know we don’t have magic powers, and therefore we can’t be like them.

Using Stories To Guide Our Lives
Eric:
Do you think that storytelling is always after the fact, that it’s how we interpret our lives, or do you think there’s something to learn from stories and the principles of dramatic structure that’s forward-looking, that we can use to guide our lives?
Howard:
That’s an excellent question. Every so often in my personal life with friends, I’ll have somebody who will be telling me, it’s usually over a meal, about they’re in a relationship, and it’s in trouble and this trouble has been going on for some time, often years, and it’s now heading for a crisis. And it’s one of those things where you know sort of, even though they don’t verbalize it, they’re asking, “What do you think? What do you think I should do?”
And after listening to the narrative for a while, every so often, I’ll say, “What movie are you living now?” And it always produces the same response. The person is startled because it sounds initially like a trivial question. They’re usually telling the story with considerable agony, and so they kind of freeze like a deer. And then their eyes rotate, usually upwards to the right, which is where a lot of people go when they’re searching their memory bank, and then they’ll laugh.
That’s the important point of this, and they’ll laugh and say, “The Exorcist,” or something like that. And the laugh is a sign of recognition that the story they’ve been telling me has a recognizable structure, and once they give me that, they then usually laugh again and say something like, “Oh, my God.” I then say, as quietly as I can, “And where does the story go?” And that’s the advice I’ve given them.

Source:
http://www.bakadesuyo.com

Is there any truth to Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”?

{ April 19, 2014 @ 4:10 pm } · { Motivate yourself }
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Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is the classic on getting along well with others.
But is there any real science behind it, or is it just advice that “sounds good”? In the past I’ve broken down old sayings and career advice, let’s see if Carnegie holds up to scrutiny.
Carnegie listed six ways to make people like you.

Via Wikipedia:
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

1) “Become genuinely interested in other people.”
Actively showing interest in other people is powerful. Merely listening to what they have to say and ask them to tell you more makes you more liked and people more receptive to your requests.
When people speak, the best responses are both active and constructive. What’s that mean?
It is engaged, enthusiastic, curious and has supportive nonverbal action. Ask questions. Be excited. Ask for details. Smile. Touch. Laugh.
Via Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being:

2) “Smile.”
Smiling does make you more attractive. And by smiling we influence others to smile. People judge things more positively while smiling, so our own smile can set off a chain reaction causing more positive encounters.
Via Choke: What the Secrets of the Brain Reveal About Getting It Right When You Have To:
The NYU students smiled, on average, a little over once a minute when they were with a smiling confederate and averaged only a third of a smile per minute when they were with a confederate who did not smile. We judge people and objects to be more pleasant when we are smiling in comparison to when we are frowning, so if you want your interviewer to think positively about you, try smiling.
So there’s truth to “when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you.”
How can you improve your smile? Smile slower.

3) “Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”
Your name can affect your life dramatically. You are influenced by names similar to your own.
In fact, people with the same last name are much more likely to marry each other.
Via Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior:
…Smiths marry other Smiths three to five times as often as they marry Johnsons, Williamses, Joneses, or Browns. In fact, Smiths marry other Smiths about as often as they marry people with all those other names, combined.

And, yes, research shows people are more likely to comply with your requests if you remember their name:
Three experiments demonstrate that remembering someone’s name facilitates their compliance with a purchase request made by the rememberer.

4) “Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.”
Talking about yourself provides as much pleasure as food or money:
“Self-disclosure is extra rewarding,” said Harvard neuroscientist Diana Tamir, who conducted the experiments with Harvard colleague Jason Mitchell. Their findings were published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. “People were even willing to forgo money in order to talk about themselves,” Ms. Tamir said.

5) “Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.”
Obviously, we’re all interested in talking about what interests us — and this engagement promotes liking. When women were more engaged in a conversation on a first date, they were much more likely to report being attracted to the guy.
Via Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes?: Bodies, Behavior, and Brains–The Science Behind Sex, Love, & Attraction:
The more engaged the woman was in the conversation, the better the outcome.

6) “Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.”
It’s no surprise that people like to feel important and powerful. Feeling like we’re in control reduces stress:
Via Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long:
Steve Maier at the University of Boulder, in Colorado, says that the degree of control that organisms can exert over something that creates stress determines whether the stressor alters the organism’s functioning. His findings indicate that only uncontrollable stressors cause deleterious effects. Inescapable or uncontrollable stress can be destructive, whereas the same stress that feels escapable is less destructive, significantly so.
Money doesn’t increase happiness much, but feeling powerful does. Most people would rather be the big fish in a small pond making $50,000 a year than the small fish in a big pond earning $100,000.
Via The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less:
In most cases, more than half of the respondents chose the options that gave them better relative position. Better to be a big fish, earning $50,000, in a small pond than a small fish, earning $100,000, in a big one.
So, yes, there is plenty of science backing up the techniques in How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Source:
Www.bakadesuyo.com

6 hostage negotiation techniques that will get you what you want

{ April 19, 2014 @ 4:03 pm } · { Motivate yourself }
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How does hostage negotiation get people to change their minds?
The Behavioral Change Stairway Model was developed by the FBI’s hostage negotiation unit, and it shows the 5 steps to getting someone else to see your point of view and change what they’re doing.
It’s not something that only works with barricaded criminals wielding assault rifles — it applies to most any form of disagreement.
There are five steps:
Active Listening: Listen to their side and make them aware you’re listening.
Empathy: You get an understanding of where they’re coming from and how they feel.
Rapport: Empathy is what you feel. Rapport is when they feel it back. They start to trust you.
Influence: Now that they trust you, you’ve earned the right to work on problem solving with them and recommend a course of action.
Behavioral Change: They act. (And maybe come out with their hands up.)
The problem is, you’re probably screwing it up.

What you’re doing wrong
In all likelihood you usually skip the first three steps. You start at 4 (Influence) and expect the other person to immediately go to 5 (Behavioral Change).
And that never works.
Saying “Here’s why I’m right and you’re wrong” might be effective if people were fundamentally rational.
But they’re not.
From my interview with former head of FBI international hostage negotiation, Chris Voss:
…business negotiations try to pretend that emotions don’t exist. What’s your best alternative to a negotiated agreement, or ‘BATNA’? That’s to try to be completely unemotional and rational, which is a fiction about negotiation. Human beings are incapable of being rational, regardless… So instead of pretending emotions don’t exist in negotiations, hostage negotiators have actually designed an approach that takes emotions fully into account and uses them to influence situations, which is the reality of the way all negotiations go…
The most critical step in the Behavioral Change Staircase is actually the first part: Active listening.
The other steps all follow from it. But most people are terrible at listening.
Here’s Chris again:
If while you’re making your argument, the only time the other side is silent is because they’re thinking about their own argument, they’ve got a voice in their head that’s talking to them. They’re not listening to you. When they’re making their argument to you, you’re thinking about your argument, that’s the voice in your head that’s talking to you. So it’s very much like dealing with a schizophrenic.
If your first objective in the negotiation, instead of making your argument, is to hear the other side out, that’s the only way you can quiet the voice in the other guy’s mind. But most people don’t do that. They don’t walk into a negotiation wanting to hear what the other side has to say. They walk into a negotiation wanting to make an argument. They don’t pay attention to emotions and they don’t listen.
The basics of active listening are pretty straightforward:
Listen to what they say. Don’t interrupt, disagree or “evaluate.”
Nod your head, and make brief acknowledging comments like “yes” and “uh-huh.”
Without being awkward, repeat back the gist of what they just said, from their frame of reference.
Inquire. Ask questions that show you’ve been paying attention and that move the discussion forward.
So what six techniques do FBI hostage negotiation professionals use to take it to the next level?

1. Ask open-ended questions
You don’t want yes/no answers, you want them to open up.
Via Crisis Negotiations, Fourth Edition: Managing Critical Incidents and Hostage Situations in Law Enforcement and Corrections:
A good open-ended question would be “Sounds like a tough deal. Tell me how it all happened.” It is non-judgmental, shows interest, and is likely to lead to more information about the man’s situation. A poor response would be “Do you have a gun? What kind? How many bullets do you have?” because it forces the man into one-word answers, gives the impression that the negotiator is more interested in the gun than the man, and communicates a sense of urgency that will build rather than defuse tension.

2. Effective pauses
Pausing is powerful. Use it for emphasis, to encourage someone to keep talking or to defuse things when people get emotional.
Gary Noesner, author of Stalling for Time: My Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator has said:
Eventually, even the most emotionally overwrought subjects will find it difficult to sustain a one-sided argument, and they again will return to meaningful dialogue with negotiators. Thus, by remaining silent at the right times, negotiators actually can move the overall negotiation process forward.

3. Minimal Encouragers
Brief statements to let the person know you’re listening and to keep them talking.
Gary Noesner:
Even relatively simple phrases, such as “yes,” “O.K.,” or “I see,” effectively convey that a negotiator is paying attention to the subject. These responses will encourage the subject to continue talking and gradually relinquish more control of the situation to the negotiator.

4. Mirroring
Repeating the last word or phrase the person said to show you’re listening and engaged. Yes, it’s that simple — just repeat the last word or two:
Gary Noesner:
For example, a subject may declare, “I’m sick and tired of being pushed around,” to which the negotiator can respond, “Feel pushed, huh?”

5. Paraphrasing
Repeating what the other person is saying back to them in your own words. This powerfully shows you really do understand and aren’t merely parroting.
From my interview with former head of FBI international hostage negotiation, Chris Voss:
The idea is to really listen to what the other side is saying and feed it back to them. It’s kind of a discovery process for both sides. First of all, you’re trying to discover what’s important to them, and secondly, you’re trying to help them hear what they’re saying to find out if what they are saying makes sense to them.

6. Emotional Labeling
Give their feelings a name. It shows you’re identifying with how they feel. Don’t comment on the validity of the feelings — they could be totally crazy — but show them you understand.
Via Crisis Negotiations, Fourth Edition: Managing Critical Incidents and Hostage Situations in Law Enforcement and Corrections:
A good use of emotional labeling would be “You sound pretty hurt about being left. It doesn’t seem fair.” because it recognizes the feelings without judging them. It is a good Additive Empathetic response because it identifies the hurt that underlies the anger the woman feels and adds the idea of justice to the actor’s message, an idea that can lead to other ways of getting justice.
A poor response would be “You don’t need to feel that way. If he was messing around on you, he was not worth the energy.” It is judgmental. It tells the subject how not to feel. It minimizes the subject’s feelings, which are a major part of who she is. It is Subtractive Empathy.
Curious to learn more?
Wait for the next article.

Source:
http://www.bakadesuyo.com

Top 10 FBI Behavioral Unit Techniques For Building Rapport With Anyone

{ April 19, 2014 @ 3:57 pm } · { Motivate yourself }
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Robin Dreeke is head of the FBI’s Counterintelligence Behavioral Analysis Program.
In his book It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone he simply and clearly spells out methods for connecting with people.
Here’s a quick breakdown of the methods.

1) Establish artificial time constraints
Nobody wants to feel trapped in an awkward conversation with a stranger.
Robin often begins a conversation with something along the lines of “I’m on my way out but before I left I wanted to ask you…”
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
Have you ever been sitting in a bar, an airport, a library, or browsing in a bookstore when a stranger tried to start a conversation with you? Did you feel awkward or on your guard? The conversation itself is not necessarily what caused the discomfort. The discomfort was induced because you didn’t know when or if it would end. For this reason, the first step in the process of developing great rapport and having great conversations is letting the other person know that there is an end in sight, and it is really close.

2) Make Sure Your Body Language is In Sync
Make sure your words and body language are aligned and both are non-threatening.
A simple smile is the most powerful nonverbal technique, as Dale Carnegie let us know.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
When you walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, are you naturally drawn to those who look angry and upset or those with smiles and laughing? Smiling is the number one nonverbal technique you should utilize to look more accommodating. In Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” it is principle number two of six.

3) Speak Slowly
Quick speech can sound nervous and jumpy, not confident. Crazy people speak quickly; self-assured people speak slowly.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they tend to sound more credible than those who speak quickly.

4) Ask For Help
When a request is small, we naturally feel a connection to those who ask us for help.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
Have you ever felt a pang of guilt for turning down someone seeking help? I have personally found that there is no greater theme and tool for eliciting individuals for action, information, and a great conversation than the use of sympathy or assistance. Think for a moment about the times in your life when you have either sought assistance or been asked to provide it. When the request is simple, of limited duration, and non-threatening, we are more inclined to accommodate the request. As human beings, we are biologically conditioned to accommodate requests for assistance.

5) Suspend Your Ego
Avoid correcting people or anything that could be interpreted as one-upmanship.
Just listen. You don’t need to tell your story; just encourage them to keep telling theirs.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
Suspending your ego is nothing more complex than putting other individuals’ wants, needs, and perceptions of reality ahead of your own. Most times, when two individuals engage in a conversation, each patiently waits for the other person to be done with whatever story he or she is telling. Then, the other person tells his or her own story, usually on a related topic and often times in an attempt to have a better and more interesting story. Individuals practicing good ego suspension would continue to encourage the other individual to talk about his or her story, neglecting their own need to share what they think is a great story… Those individuals who allow others to continue talking without taking their own turn are generally regarded as the best conversationalists. These individuals are also sought after when friends or family need someone to listen without judgment. They are the best at building quick and lasting rapport.

6) Validate Others
The simplest way to do this is to listen.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
The simplest validation that can be given to another individual is simply listening. The action doesn’t require any proactive effort aside from the incessant need each of us has to tell our own story…
The difficulty most of us have is keeping from interjecting our own thoughts, ideas, and stories during the conversation. True validation coupled with ego suspension means that you have no story to offer, that you are there simply to hear theirs.

7) Ask: How? When? Why?
Ask open-ended questions.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
One of the key concepts that every great interviewer or conversationalist knows is to ask open ended questions. Open ended questions are ones that don’t require a simple yes or no answer. They are generally questions that require more words and thought. Once the individual being targeted in the conversation supplies more words and thought, a great conversationalist will utilize the content given and continue to ask open ended questions about the same content. The entire time, the individual being targeted is the one supplying the content of the conversation.
Dreeke also recommends using a number of standard FBI active listening techniques you can read about here.

8) Quid Pro Quo
Some people don’t speak much. Other times you listen too well and people feel self-conscious about talking so much.
In these two cases it’s good to give a piece of personal information for every one they reveal to get a flow going.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
In my experiences, there are really only two types of situations where I have utilized quid pro quo. The first and more common of the instances is when you attempt to converse with someone who is either very introverted, guarded, or both. The second instance is when the person you are conversing with suddenly becomes very aware about how much they have been speaking, and they suddenly feel awkward. In both instances, giving a little information about you will help alleviate some of the issues.

9) Give A Gift
Reciprocation is deeply wired into human nature. When you offer people something, they will naturally feel the need to help you in return.
Doesn’t have to be a big box with a bow on it. Offering someone anything, tangible or not, counts.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
Most people would feel badly if they received a gift and forgot to say or send a thank you note to the giver. When someone does you a favor you most likely want to reciprocate with gratitude. Great rapport builders and conversationalists use this desire proactively during every conversation. This technique, coupled with ego suspension, are the cornerstones for building great relationships. This is also the easiest technique to utilize, because gifts come in many forms, from non-material compliments, to tangible material gifts.

10) Managing Your Own Expectations
If you don’t manage your expectations properly it can lead to disappointment, resentment and anger.
Play it cool. Focus on the other person’s needs and don’t let your expectations rise.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
When we are able to shift or manage our expectations, we reduce potential disappointment. When we are disappointed, we sometimes get angry and may even hold grudges and get hurt feelings. These emotions are not conducive to healthy or long term relationships. These emotions are definitely not conducive to developing quick rapport. The best technique to avoid these emotions is to manage expectations.
A number of the ten methods are similar to those espoused by other FBI specialists I have interviewed, including former head of international hostage negotiation, Chris Voss, and FBI profiler Jim Clemente.

The Right Attitude
And what does Robin say is the best attitude to take when trying to build rapport? Make sure the other person walks away better for having met you.
Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:
Before I use these techniques or send any class out to practice these techniques, I remind myself and them of one everlasting rule that will dramatically increase your probability of success; it is all about them. The only goal I have either for myself or the individuals I teach is that in every interaction the other person should walk away feeling much better for having met you. You should brighten their day and listen to them when no one else will. Build that connection where others wouldn’t and you will have mastered both conversations and quick rapport.

Source:
http://www.bakadesuyo.com/

7 Things the Most Interesting People All Have in Common

{ April 19, 2014 @ 9:07 am } · { Motivate yourself }
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I’ve posted a lot of research from experts on getting people to like you, being influential and having great conversations.

What’s the best way to use all this information to be more interesting?

1) First, Don’t Be Boring

Sometimes the best offense is a good defense. Look at it like the Hippocratic Oath of conversations: Do no harm.

We’re all terrible at realizing when we bore others because, well, we all think we’re just fascinating.

The #1 tip for never boring anyone comes from Scott Adams: Be brief, be positive.

If you’re always to the point and stay upbeat, it’s extremely hard for anyone to accuse you of being poor company.

But sometimes you do need to speak a little longer to make sure things don’t get stilted.

The Art of Civilized Conversation offers another good tip: Is anyone asking you questions about what you’re saying?

If not, maybe it’s time to end the story or ask the other person a question.

(More rapport building techniques are here.)

2) The Most Captivating People Are Often Good Listeners

Impressing people can be great but it can also devolve into status jockeying, one-upmanship and envy.

People love to talk about themselves and there are a dearth of good listeners.

Let the other person talk. It gives their brain as much pleasure as food or money:

Talking about ourselves—whether in a personal conversation or through social media sites like Facebook and Twitter—triggers the same sensation of pleasure in the brain as food or money…

You can make an excellent impression by saying amazingly little. Ironically, the people we like the most often say the least.

(Learn how to listen like a hostage negotiator here.)

3) Talk About The Other Person’s Interests

This is straight from Dale Carnegie and if you’re not that socially adept, this is as straightforward as it gets.

Why struggle to guess what most people might find generically interesting?

Ask people what they’ve been up to or what their hobbies are. Then talk about that. You’re now 80% of the way there.

If you know about the subject the similarity will bond you.

If you don’t, ask them to explain and be a great listener as they talk about something they love.

(More on the science behind Dale Carnegie’s classic here.)

4) Have Three Good Stories

Comedians don’t just talk about anything when they’re onstage. They have their act rehearsed.

You don’t just trot into a job interview and say whatever’s on your mind.

Always have three good stories on hand that reliably entertain, inform or engage.

Another tip from Scott Adams: People are generally more interested in stories about people rather than things.

Drama, gossip and reality TV are successful for a reason. We all find human behavior fascinating.

On the other hand, most people don’t want to hear about the features on your new iPhone.

(More on how to tell good stories here.)

5) Don’t Forget Charisma

It’s not all about the words. Some people are engaging but if what they said was transcribed, it would be unimpressive.

When you’re speaking emotionally, the words only account for 7% of what get conveyed. Seven percent.

Voice tone and body language are far more important.

Via The Heart of Social Psychology: A Backstage View of a Passionate Science:

One often quoted study (Mehrabian & Ferris, 1967) found that of all the information conveyed to another person when we say something that is emotional (not informational), only 7 percent is contained in the actual meaning of the words we use.

Laugh. Smile. Be passionate. Gesture. Modulate your voice. Don’t just sweat the words.

(Here’s how to be charismatic.)

6) Be Somewhere Interesting

Got a say in where you’ll be at, as with a date or meeting?

Pick someplace stimulating. Context matters.

In general, we’re lousy about realizing where our feelings are coming from.

Research shows excitement from any source is often associated with the person you’re with — even if they’re not the cause of it.

Why do people find musicians so captivating? The music and the crowd stimulates emotions — and we viscerally associate those with the band.

MIT Behavioral Economist Dan Ariely recounts a relevant study he did:

Why does this happen? Ariely thinks it might have something to do with “misattribution of emotions”: “Sometimes we have an emotion and we don’t know where it’s coming from, so we kind of stick it on something that seems sensible.” In other words, your strong feelings about the music might make you think you’re having strong feelings about the lead singer.

(More on the power of context here.)

7) And Most Importantly: Live An Interesting Life

Remember the theme of Don Quixote: If you want to be a knight, act like a knight.

If you don’t read, watch and think about generic things, generic things are less likely to come out of your mouth.

This doesn’t need to be expensive or difficult. Hang out more often with the most interesting people you know.

The friends you spend time with dramatically affect your behavior — whether you like it or not.

The Longevity Project, which studied over 1000 people from youth to death had this to say:

The groups you associate with often determine the type of person you become.

In The Start-up of You, Reid Hoffman and Ben Casnocha talk about how the best way to improve particular qualities in yourself is to spend time with people who are already like that.

The best and most reliable way to appear interesting is to live an interesting life.

And to pursue that ends up being far more rewarding than merely making a good impression on others.

Source:
time.com

Kiat Menghadapi Anak Korban Pelecehan Seksual

{ April 17, 2014 @ 4:01 am } · { Health, Motivate yourself }
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Kiat Menghadapi Anak Korban Pelecehan Seksual

Menyikapi anak yang menjadi korban pelecehan seksual, apa yang harus dilakukan oleh orangtua?

Bocah korban pelecehan seksual di Jakarta International School sempat menutupi tidak menceritakan kejadian yang dialaminya. 

Umumnya dalam kasus anak-anak yang menjadi korban pelecehan seksual, anak mengalami perubahan pribadi yang drastis. Bila sebelumnya anak ceria, banyak bercerita, dan gemar bermain, mendadak menjadi lebih pendiam, tertutup, dan tidak percaya diri.

Jika ternyata benar bahwa anak telah menjadi korban pelecehan seksual, apa yang harus dilakukan oleh orangtua?

“Anak korban pelecehan seksual umumnya menjadi lebih pendiam, pemurung, dan penakut. Bila orangtua mencurigai sesuatu terjadi pada anak, percayalah pada naluri Anda dan coba tanyakan kepada si kecil dengan sikap yang tenang. Jangan menyudutkan, apalagi sampai mengancam anak,” terang Nana Gerhana, psikolog dari Stress Prevention Clinic, di Jakarta Utara, kepada KompasFemale melalui surat elektronik, Selasa (15/4).

Menurut Nana, melihat sikap orangtua yang tenang membuat anak merasa nyaman dan dilindungi sehingga lebih mudah bagi anak untuk menceritakan pengalaman terburuk dalam hidupnya tersebut. Ketika mendengar pengakuan anak yang menyesakkan hati, tahanlah air mata Anda, kuatkan pertahanan diri, dan segera peluk si kecil dengan segenap cinta.

“Melihat orangtua yang menangis dan histeris bakal membuat anak terkejut dan ketakutan. Akhirnya, anak akan berhenti bercerita karena takut pada orangtua,” jelas Nana lebih lanjut.

Walaupun hati dan jiwa Anda terguncang mendengar penuturan menyedihkan si kecil, kendalikan diri Anda, jangan perlihatkan sikap terpukul tersebut kepada anak.

Mengupayakan diri agar tetap tenang mendengar kenyataan yang getir memang bukan sesuatu yang mudah, tetapi demi anak, berusahalah lebih keras untuk tidak hancur depan mereka.

Pasalnya, melihat sikap orangtua yang tegar akan memberikan rasa aman kepada anak. Sikapi “mimpi buruk” anak tersebut seolah sedang mendengarnya bercerita mengenai tokoh kartun favoritnya atau superhero idolanya. Tujuannya agar orangtua juga memperoleh informasi secara lengkap dan mendetail.

Untuk mencegah anak menjadi korban pelecehan seksual, Nana menyarankan agar orangtua jangan merasa tabu atau tidak pantas untuk mengenalkan bagian-bagian pribadi pada tubuh si kecil.

Kemudian, uraikanlah dalam bahasa yang sederhana dan mudah dimengerti mengenai fungsinya masing-masing. Kemukakan juga reaksi yang terjadi apabila bagian tersebut disentuh atau dilukai oleh orang dewasa secara paksa.

Cara ini akan membentuk sikap preventif dan batasan kepada anak dalam berkomunikasi dan berinteraksi dengan sesamanya dan orang asing.

(Syafrina Syaaf, Sumber: KOMPAS.com)

KATA KUNCI:
#MENANGANI ANAK KORBAN PELECEHAN SEKSUAL

Pola Pikir Karyawan Yang Dibutuhkan Oleh Perusahaan

{ April 16, 2014 @ 12:53 pm } · { Motivate yourself }
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Memang benar, kemampuan yang Anda miliki sangatlah penting ketika Anda akan melamar suatu pekerjaan. Akan tetapi, dengan Anda memiliki kemampuan yang tinggi itu belum bisa menjadi jaminan bagi Anda untuk mudah mendapatkan pekerjaan yang selama ini Anda incar. Ada beberapa hal yang lainnya yang harus Anda miliki, yakni pola pikir Anda yang baik.

Dan ternyata pihak perusahaan akan sangat mempertimbangkan pola pikir Anda ketika Anda melamar pekerjaan. Dan pada umumnya, sebagian besar pihak perusahaan akan lebih melihat cara seseorang dalam berpikir daripada kemampuan yang dimilikinya ketika perusahaan menyeleksi calon karyawan barunya.

Bagaimana Anda bisa mengubah pola pikir Anda agar Anda bisa sukses saat mencari pekerjaan? Dan inilah beberapa tips yang bisa Anda gunakan agar Anda sukses mengubah pola pikir Anda menjadi lebih baik.

1. Global

Ketika Anda memiliki pola pikir yang sangatlah luas serta bersifat terbuka pastinya akan sangat menguntungkan bagi diri Anda. Dan Anda akan mampu menilai suatu masalah dari segala bentuk aspek serta orang akan melihat siri Anda sebagai seseorang yang mampu menerima masukan serta kritik. Dengan Anda memiliki pola pikir yang sangatlah luas, maka Anda juga bisa memberikan solusi yang sangatlah membangun bagi diri Anda serta orang lain atau pun perusahaan.

2. Berpikir Positif

Perusahaan akan sangat membutuhkan orang-orang yang sangatlah cerdas juga ramah. Dan Anda harus berperilaku yang baik terhadap sesama, dan itu merupakan langkah awal bagi Anda untuk memiliki pola pikir yang baik. Dengan Anda terus berpikir yang baik, maka Anda akan lebih mudah menemukan pekerjaan yang sesuai dengan passion Anda. Dan itu akan memudahkan Anda dalam bergaul serta mendapatkan perhatian dari atasan Anda di kantor.

3. Tahan Banting

Bukan hanya itu, banyak diantaranya perusahaan yang mencari orang-orang yang tahan banting dalam segala kondisi, bahkan disaat paling genting sekalipun. Dan cara Anda dalam mengatasi suatu masalah bisa membedakan Anda dengan orang lain. Dengan Anda memiliki pola pikir seperti itu, maka perusahaan akan tetap mempertahankan Anda untuk tetap bekerja di perusahaan tersebut, bahkan dengan waktu yang tidaklah lama Anda akan mendapatkan promosi jabatan yang lebih baik lagi dari atasan Anda.

4. Pola Pikir Beda dengan Perilaku

Pola pikir merupakan satu hal yang lebih dari sikap yang selama ini ada di dalam diri Anda. Dengan Anda memiliki pola pikir yang baik maka Anda akan dapat melihat serta mengetahui tujuan dari hidup Anda selama ini. Dan hal tersebut juga mampu mempengaruhi apa yang Anda percaya, maka Anda harus mengatakannya serta lakukanlah. Dan kualifikasi seperti itulah yang dibutuhkan oleh perusahaan, dan sangat penting untuk Anda miliki untuk menunjang karir Anda di masa ini dan masa yang akan datang.

Sumber: tipskarir.com

Ritual Pagi Para Pemimpin

{ April 15, 2014 @ 4:32 pm } · { Motivate yourself }
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Dunia ini didominasi oleh keinginan orang-orang yang ingin sukses, sebagian dari mereka berpikir betapa nikmatnya menjadi bos karena bisa memerintah bawahan dan mendapatkan fasilitas yang premium. Namun, tahukah Anda, untuk menjadi sukses usaha yang mesti Anda kerahkan tidak hanya sebatas jam kantor.

Seperti yang disebutkan Laura Vanderkam, seorang pakar manajemen dan penulis buku “What the Most Succesful People Do Before Breakfast”, seorang pemimpin sebaiknya menetapkan suatu aktivitas sebelum sarapan di pagi hari sehingga menambah energi dalam menjalankan tugas-tugasnya dalam memimpin. Sanggupkah Anda bangun lebih pagi dari matahari? Berikut ini rahasia kesuksesan para pemimpin.

1. Bangun sangat pagi
Pagi hari merupakan saat yang paling berharga untuk mengendalikan situasi dan kondisi. Hal ini memudahkan Anda untuk bersiap menyambut panggilan telepon, rapat, dan kasus lainnya yang mendadak dan membutuhkan Anda untuk hadir lebih awal di kantor. Dalam survei yang dilakukan Vanderkam terhadap 20 eksekutif, 90% mengatakan bahwa mereka bangun tidur sebelum pukul 6.00 pada hari kerja. Di antaranya, CEO PepsiCo Indra Nooyi bangun pada pukul 4.00 dan tiba di kantor tidak pernah lewat dari pukul 7.00. CEO Disney Bob Iger bangun pukul 4.30 untuk membaca buku dan CEO Square Jack Dorsey bangun pukul 5.30 untuk jogging.

2. Berolahraga
Aktivitas pagi hari akan membawa energi dan kekuatan yang besar, terutama berolahraga, baik di rumah ataupun di pusat kebugaran. Berdasarkan survei Vanderkam, CEO Xerox Ursula Burns menjadwalkan satu jam sesi personal training mulai pukul 6.00, dua kali per minggu. CEO Christies Steve Murphy melakukan yoga setiap pagi dan CEO Starwoods Hotels Frits van Paasschen rutin berlari selama satu jam mulai pukul 5.30. “Mereka merupakan orang-orang yang luar biasa sibuk. Jika mereka berolahraga, pasti karena hal tersebut sangat penting”, ujar Vanderkam.

3. Waktu Keluarga
Ternyata ada yang lebih ampuh dari makan malam keluarga untuk memperkuat kebersamaan antar anggota keluarga. Beberapa orang sukses memanfaatkan waktu di pagi hari sebagai waktu bersama keluarga, termasuk membacakan cerita untuk buah hati atau memasak menu sarapan bersama keluarga. Seorang perencana keuangan di New York, Judi Rosenthal, memanfaatkan waktu selama 45 menit untuk membantu memilihkan pakaian anak perempuannya, membereskan tempat tidur bersama-sama, bahkan sarapan bersama sambil saling berdiskusi tentang aktivitas yang akan dilakukan.

4. Terkoneksi dengan pasangan
Pada malam hari, Anda cenderung mengalami kelelahan karena beraktivitas. Karena itu, waktu yang paling tepat untuk saling berbicara dengan pasangan adalah di pagi hari. Menurut Vanderkam, bercinta menjadi pilihan yang baik untuk menambah energi dan dipercaya dapat meningkatkan kecerdasan, membakar kalori, dan meningkatkan pendapatan. Selain itu, saling berbicara menjadi aktivitas yang ampuh untuk tetap terkoneksi. Managing Director BlackRock, Obie McKenzie, dan istrinya bersama-sama naik kereta setiap pagi menuju kantor mereka di New York. Mereka memanfaatkan waktu tersebut untuk mendiskusikan kehidupan mereka, finansial, agenda keluarga, dan rencana-rencana untuk sepekan.

5. Membaca Berita
Sebagian besar orang sukses memiliki ritual membaca berita sebelum sarapan, entah itu melalui surat kabar, media online, blog, atau media sosial. Di antaranya, CEO GE Jeff Immelt yang memulai harinya dengan olahraga kardio, lalu membaca surat kabar dan menonton CNBC. Sama seperti CEO Virgin America David Cush selalu mendengarkan siaran berita olahraga melalui radio dan membaca surat kabar. Ketika berangkat ke kantor, mereka akan memiliki banyak inspirasi yang bisa saja membuat bisnis mereka lebih maju.

Contributor: Anastasia Estri

5 Small Changes You Can Make to Be Way More Productive

{ April 15, 2014 @ 4:03 pm } · { Motivate yourself }
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20140415-222621.jpg
Little changes, big results

This post is in partnership with Inc., which offers useful advice, resources, and insights to entrepreneurs and business owners. The article below was originally published at Inc.com.

Little changes, big results

Regular readers know I definitely believe in the power of hard work. As Jimmy Spithill, skipper of Team Oracle USA, says, “Rarely have I seen a situation where doing less than the other guy is a good strategy.”

But we can all work smarter, too. And clearly we all want to, as evidenced by the popularity of this recent post, 5 Scientifically Proven Ways to Work Smarter, Not Harder.

The tips were provided by Belle Beth Cooper, content crafter at Buffer, the maker of a social-media management tool that lets you schedule, automate, and analyze social-media updates. (Cooper is also the co-founder of Exist.)

That post was so popular I asked Cooper for more ways anyone can make a workday more productive without putting in extra hours. Here are five:

1. Rework your to-do list. I’ve written about the history of the to-do list before, and how to write a great one.

One of the most counterintuitive but effective methods I’ve found for increasing my productivity is to limit how many items I add to my to-do list.

One way to do this is by choosing one to three most important tasks, or MITs. These are the big, tough tasks for your day that you really need to get done; the ones that will keep you in the office past the time you planned to leave, or working after dinner if you don’t get through them.

Leo Babauta advocates doing these before you move on to other tasks:

“Do your MITs first thing in the morning, either at home or when you first get to work. If you put them off to later, you will get busy and run out of time to do them. Get them out of the way, and the rest of the day is gravy!”

The rest of your to-do list can be filled up with minor tasks that you would do as long as you complete your MITs. Make sure you work on those before you move on to less critical tasks and you’ll find you feel a whole lot more productive at the end of the day.

Another to-do list tip that can reduce work anxiety is to write your to-do list the night before. I often end up in bed not only thinking about what I need to do the next day but also planning the day; obviously, that makes it difficult to sleep. Writing my to-do list before I go to bed helps me relax and sleep better.

And rather than wasting time in the morning because I don’t know what to work on first, I can jump straight into my first MIT the next day.

One more to-do list tip: Focus only on today.

My most recent and favorite change to my to-do list has been to separate my “today” list from the master list of everything I need to get done.

I often feel anxious about all the things I know I need to do at some point. I need to write them down somewhere so I don’t forget them, otherwise I worry about when or if they will get done. But I don’t want those items cluttering up my list for today; that will just make today seem even busier than it already is.

My solution is to make a big list of everything I need to do. Then, every night, I move a few things to my to-do list for the next day. (I use one big list with priority markers so that anything “high” priority moves to the top and becomes part of my “today” list.)

That lets me focus on what I must do today, but it also gives me a place to dump every little task I think of that someday must get done.

Take it from David Allen, the author of Getting Things Done: “Your mind is for having ideas, not holding them.” Park your ideas on your to-do list, but make sure you create a “today” list and a “someday” list. That way you won’t waste energy trying to remember important ideas and you’ll ensure today won’t feel overwhelming.

2. Measure your results, not your time. The whole idea of working smarter rather than harder stems from the fact that many of us put in more and more hours only to findwe don’t get more done. That’s why we want to find methods to be more productive in less time.

One way to do this is to adjust the way you measure productivity. If you evaluate yourself by what you actually get done rather than the time it takes to get something done, you’ll start to notice a difference in how you work.

For example, if you have a big project to complete, try breaking it down into “completable” sections. For instance, I like to break down my blog posts into sections and small tasks like adding images. With a set of smaller tasks making up a big project, I can check off what I get done each day, even if it takes me many days to finish the whole project. I get a nice little rush every time I check off a task within a blog post, even if it was just a 200-word section. It helps me maintain momentum and keep going until the whole post is done.

Another way to measure what you get done each day is to keep a “done list,” a running log of everything you complete in a day. I scoffed at done lists for a long time until I joined Buffer, where we all share what we’ve done each day using iDoneThis.

If you start keeping a list of everything you get done in a day, you might be surprised how much more motivated you are to do work that matters and stay focused so you get even more done.

Focus on measuring by results, not by time on task, and you’ll definitely get more done.

3. Build habits to help you start working. If I don’t have a plan for what to work on first, I tend to procrastinate and waste time in the mornings. You might have a differentdanger time for procrastination, but getting started seems to be a hurdle for most of us.

One way to overcome this problem is building a routine that tells your brain and body it’s time to work.

Your routine could be something as simple as your daily commute or grabbing a coffee on the way to work. I usually sit at my desk with my coffee and check up on my favorite sites to see if there’s any news. Once my coffee is finished, that’s my cut-off point: It’s my trigger to start working.

Other ways to get into a working mindset can include sitting down at your desk or workspace, turning off your phone or putting it away, exercising, stretching, or eating breakfast. You could even have an album or playlist that gets you in the mood to work and listen to that as part of your routine.

The same technique works on weekends, too. Although you might be tempted to let go of your routine entirely on your days off, our CEO has found that maintaining a weekend routine that doesn’t differ too much from his weekdays works well: The more he let go of his routine on the weekends, the longer it took him to pick it up again during the week.

Routines aren’t a sign of boring, regimented people. Routines are a sign of people who have goals and have found the best way–for them–to actually accomplish their goals.

4. Track where you waste time. If you’re struggling to be productive, it’s tempting to change your routine or try new solutions before you uncover the real problem. (I’ve done this in the past and found it never leads to a long-term solution.)

The first step in becoming more productive is to identify your regular time-sucks. Start by tracking what you do every morning to get ready for work. You might find you’re spending time on things such as choosing your clothes, something you could do the night before. (Or like our co-founder, you could just wear jeans and a white t-shirt every day.)

Then, keep going: Track how you spend your time during the day and look for patterns. A tool like RescueTime can help. Maybe you’ll find you’re getting caught up on Facebook too often. Or that what should have been a two-minute work conversation regularly turns into a 10-minute chat session.

Once you know what takes up your time or leads you to procrastinate, start making specific changes around those habits.

I used to waste a lot of time in the mornings checking out my favorite sites for news or updates. Now I factor it into my routine; as I mentioned, I do it while I drink my coffee, and when the coffee is gone, it’s time to start working.

5. Build habits to help you stop working. This one might seem a bit strange, but it really works. Some of us struggle to stop working, rather than (or as well as) start working.

It’s easy to just keep going for another hour, or to get your computer out after dinner and work until well after bedtime. The worst thing about these habits is that they encourage us to put off our MITs; we figure we’ll be working long enough to be sure to get them done. (But, of course, we don’t.)

Here are a few ways to switch on at-home time and leave work behind:

Quit while you’re ahead. Take it from Hemingway: “The best way is always to stop when you are going good and when you know what will happen next. If you do that every day…you will never be stuck.”

His advice can apply to all kinds of work. Stopping in the middle of a project can work well: You know what you’ve done, you know exactly what you’ll do next, and you’ll be excited to get started again.

Set a firm cut-off time. Sean Ogle wrote a great post about this. Most days he has a (pretty extreme) strict cut-off time of noon. You could make this work with an evening cut-off time to get you out of work by, say, 5 p.m.

Ogle gets up early, so he has five to six hours of work time before his midday cut-off point. But because he’s strict about stopping work at noon, he still needs to be ruthless in prioritizing his tasks.

Another benefit of a strict cut-off time is you’ll be a lot more motivated to complete your MITs first; the pressure of a looming deadline will help keep you focused.

Another way to limit your work time is to unplug your laptop power cord. Then you can only work as long as your battery lasts. It’s great motivation to get important things done more quickly.

Plan something cool for after work. Another tip from Ogle is to plan an activity or event for after work. In Ogle’s case, he plans to catch up with friends or attend events around 12:30 or 1 p.m., which helps reinforce his noon cut-off time.

If you want to get out of the office around 5 p.m., you could set up a dinner date, a quick after-work drink with a friend, or a family visit. External forces and peer pressure can give you motivation to get things done within the time you have.

Create a wind-down routine. Having a routine to help you wind down from work can be helpful if you often struggle to switch off. Light exercise works well for me, so I like to walk home from the office or take a walk after work. Our CEO goes for an evening walk as part of his going-to-bed routine because it’s such a good winding-down activity.

Journaling can be really relaxing, as can talking through your day with a partner or friend. Something Benjamin Franklin used to do was ask himself every night, “What good have I done today?” Writing about your day can be a good way to reflect and keep a log of what you’ve done, as well as to transition out of your work mode. If you’re getting into the habit of planning your day the night before, this can be a good way to cap off your workday: Pick out your MITs for tomorrow and create a task list, so you can relax once you leave work.

Source: Jeff Haden, time.com

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